


The Philosophy of Human Romance

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Interspecies Awkwardness, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Platonic Female/Female Relationships, Sexual Confusion, specifically it starts off in the canon text on page 5093 but they get sidetracked
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21992380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "If love only happens to make the population grow, explain gay people!"
Relationships: Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde, This is only referenced/implied/mentioned
Kudos: 6





	The Philosophy of Human Romance

**Author's Note:**

> The first few lines are copied from page 5093, in Act6Act3. After the end of this fic, they pick up the canon conversation from where they left off. Although, based on what we know about timelines in the canon text, I guess this interaction taking place could result in a doomed timeline, in which it is not necessary to follow the canon path. Don't worry about it. Anyway, thanks for reading, comments are much appreciated!

UU: we are not a social race. we generally will not ever encoUnter another of oUr kind, Unless it is time to mate.  


UU: and when that time comes, oUr coUrtship is nothing like it is for hUmans.  


UU: it is highly confrontational and violent.  


TG: sounds so lonely  


TG: plus w/ hecks of tricky sex  


UU: it is lonely.  


UU: bUt that is in oUr natUre, to be alone. jUst as it is to find attraction throUgh contempt.  


TG: waitwaitwaiy  


UU: what is it?  


TG: so does that mean  


TG: when u said  


TG: oops i mean U  


TG: ;3  


UU: ^u^  


TG: n e wayyy does that mean when u said u were incapapble of ”red feelins” u meant like,, biologically incapable?  


UU: i beg yoUr pardon?  


TG: what i mean is like  


TG: do u say that because its a you thign specifically  


TG: or do u say it because its like just a genral cherub thing  


TG: like u dont like romance r get romantic feels because u just dont, or u dont get them because ur a cherub  


TG: aw fuck im sounding all presumtuous n shit  


TG: im sorry, im asking this in a rlly rude way :(  


TG: is it a rude question in the first place??  


TG: im so so sorry callie this is balls up the walls  


UU: don’t worry aboUt it! i Understand what yoU’re trying to ask!  


UU: hmm. i haven’t given that mUch thoUght… i woUld say that i am only capable of caliginoUs attraction becaUse that is what my species is sUited for, bUt i have not personally experienced attraction of any other kind, which goes to sUpport that theory.  


UU: cherUbs are bUilt to experience only loathing-based attraction, becaUse reprodUction between Us is a violent endeavor fUeled by loathing.  


UU: that said, it woUld be pUrposeless for Us to feel red, or love/pity-based attraction, and in fact qUite detrimental!  


TG: how so??  


UU: let’s say yoU and jane are an item, for example.  


TG: whos 2 say were not? ;)  


UU: oh my!!!  


UU: are yoU??? UoU  


TG: ahahahajsha nah were not  


UU: really? i’m not here to jUdge. i don’t mean to be pUshy bUt yoU woUld make a great coUple if yoU were ^-^  


TG: haha yeah ikr?? And dont get me wrong shes rlly rlly pretty  


TG: and tbh probably my best friend  


TG: like ever  


TG: except maybe u ofc you 2 r like tyed 4 the top spot ;3  


UU: aw! I’m flattered! ^u^  


TG: :D  


TG: and like,,,  


TG: if i HAD 2 date 1 of my friends, she would probs b my first chouce  


TG: *choice  


TG: but like only if i HAD to. were just friends  


UU: jUst “gals being pals”?  


TG: just gals bein pals :D  


UU: wonderful! i was jUst cUrioUs, bUt i’m glad that was cleared Up. and also that i’m one of yoUr two best friends! ^u^  


UU: anyway, in this example, say yoU were. woUld yoU be willing to fight her to the death in order to procreate?  


TG: hoyl shit WHATTT  


TG: no!!! What??  


UU: exactly. yoUr relationship, be it conspicUscent or concilliatory, is based in caring for one another. it’s based in what yoU call love. therefore, yoUr reprodUction woUld be a loving activity.  


TG: ill say  


TG: lmao ;;;)))  


UU: #u-u#  


UU: whereas cherUb reprodUction is an extaordinarily violent and hate-y activity. if oUr romance was love-based like yoUrs, reprodUction woUld simply not happen becaUse the involved parties woUld be Unwilling to harm one another.  


UU: and since attraction exists to bring aboUt the desire to procreate, red attraction is Useless to Us, so we simply do not have that ability, as fun and nice as it sounds like it would be to experience.  


UU: it’s sad, bUt it’s the way it is. U_U  


TG: wowie callie  


TG: haha that almost rhymes  


TG: my ass feels EDUCATED ok u just took my ass 2 university and handed it a fuckin doctorate in cherub sex philosohpy  


TG: congratulations dr rolal!!!1!  


TG: aw thank u its all thanks 2 my alien bffsy CALLIOPE!!!  


UU: -u- i’m glad i coUld help yoU learn something new!  


TG: :) yeah thank u sm!  


TG: ok but like, u think attraction only exists so ppl fuck to make babies?  


TG: sounds fake but ok  


UU: how so? As mUch as i personally envy the romances yoU get to experience, it woUld be pointless to have the ability to experience love and the related feelings if they served no evolUtionary pUrpose.  


TG: if love only happens 2 make the population grow  


TG: explain gay peopr  


TG: *people  


UU: what is a gay people?  


TG: AHAHAHA im srry thats just a rlly funny sentence. screenshotted loll  


TG: yknow like 2 guys or 2 girls that are in love  


UU: i don’t see how that woUld affect anything? pardon me if i’m being obtUse.  


TG: nonon dw  


TG: its just cuz like u need a guy and a gal to do the do if u want a baby  


TG: 2 guys or 2 gals wont work  


TG: i mean thats talking about sex n not gendre though  


TG: sex in the ‘what ur junk looks like’ sense, not the ‘gettin it on’ sense  


TG: w/ gender its a lil moar lenient  


UU: i Understand! i’ve done a little bit of research on hUman gender identity. it’s another concept i find personally fascinating, thoUgh not so mUch as yoUr romances.  


UU: i had no idea hUmans of the same sex coUld not procreate thoUgh! blimey!! i feel like sUch an idiot.  


UU: i also have...a great deal of fanfiction that needs some rather hardcore editing now.  


UU: if i live long enoUgh to get aroUnd to it, that is. U_u  


TG: aww callie, dont talk like that!!! :(  


TG: u will live and u will wake up i just know it  


TG: ur so strong, i believe u can do it!  


UU: -u- thank yoU roxy! it means a lot, bUt i fear i am getting distracted again.  


UU: anyway, if two or more hUmans of the same sex can’t reprodUce together, bUt can still feel attraction to one another,  


UU: that means hUman attraction, or rather, hUman love of the romantic variety, does not come aboUt merely for reprodUctive pUrposes. it just… happens.  


UU: am i correct?  


TG: spot on! :)  


TG: plus oppositesexy ppl who r infertile  


TG: and ppl that want a relkationship but not sex  


UU: yoU jUst love for the sake of loving?  


TG: yep!!!  


UU: that’s so beaUtiful!!! wow roxy! yoUr hUman romances are so meaningful and fascinating! ohhh, i wish i coUld be a part of it all. it’s sUch a wonderfUl concept. ^U^  


TG: maybe u can???  


UU: what?  


TG: i mean  


TG: assuming human brain chemicalz n cherub brain chmicalz work the same way in regards 2 sex n romance  


TG: theres no reason u cant experience hate just 4 hats sake instead of for the sexy space death battles ur talkiin bout  


TG: and if u love me as a friend, that means ur capable of love in the platonic way  


TG: so maybe ur also capable of love in the romantic way? but in a not-hatey romanitc way???  


TG: idk its assuming a lot and i dont want 2 like,, force u to have non-hatey romantic feelings,,,,,idk im just tryin 2 figure this shit out n whatever ur thoughts on romance hatey or otherwise i support u all th way <3 <3 <3  


UU: goodness  


UU: roxy, i’m not sUre what to say to all of that. it is jUst...a lot. O-o  


TG: aw im sorry  


TG: i didnt mean 2 be overhwelming or anythign :( i can chill out if u want  


UU: no no! i mean that literally, as in that is a lot of text.  


TG: oh! ok lol  


UU: i think,  


UU: i think i will think aboUt this. a lot. and possibly do some more writing. -u- bUt mostly i am jUst in awe. yoU opened my eyes a little bit, roxy! ^u^ i love learning new things aboUt yoUr complex, coloUrfUl hUman relationships and this time it helped me learn something aboUt myself, or at least a possibility that is open to me to explore.  


UU: i love talking to yoU. i really do. while i don’t think i myself woUld be sUited to the beaUty that is red romance, even if i weren't so visUally repUlsive, it is… comforting, in a way, to know that that is not a genetic predisposition, and that were i to have sUch an interest, the door woUld be open.  


UU: of coUrse, that is, as yoU said, assUming hUman hormones and cherUb hormones work the same way regarding sex and love.  


TG: hey!! dont u think i missed u putting urself down right there!!! >:( ur beautiful and dont forget it!!!  


UU: u_u 

TG: -_- anyway,,, im glad i could help u too!!!  


TG: im always learning new things from u  


TG: im rlly happy i could be the one helping spomebody else figure out someshit this time lol  


UU: it is nice, isn’t it? ^U^  


TG: hellz yeah  


UU: oh!! bollocks, we’ve been sidetracked this entire time! I hope yoU’ll forgive me!  


UU: i meant to tell yoU aboUt my session!

[The conversation continues more or less from where it diverged.]

**Author's Note:**

> Formatting this was a bitch and a half and I Am Not Eager to write pesterlogs again ever. >:(


End file.
